If there was ever a day that i wish i could just totally erase, it would be today. It truly was one of the most hard to deal with days. I still don't know if blogging about it is a good idea or not; really, much do i need to put out into the world? I do take comfort in the fact that i don't have many readers but i wonder if that isn't a false sense of security. I sometimes feel like i invade Emma's privacy by writing about her; at her age, it's not like she can give me 'consent' to blog about her. But blogging is a way to help me navigate through being a Mama; perhaps it really is time that i decide to take this blog private.
Today, "The Science Guy" came to the kindergarten classes.
Sounds AWESOME, doesn't it?
Not for my Emma.
I wish that i had been on the stick about The Science Guy coming. I would have invited myself to school that day. I would have made dang sure that i was there for this because i know how my Emme is when things that aren't scheduled happen. I know how my Emme is when things get loud and chaotic.
I thought Mr. Science Guy was the next day.
Not today.
As i was waiting in the school car line, i received a phone call from the assistant principle at Emma's school. Emma was in his office and he wanted me to come to his office to pick her up. Mr. Vice Principle was very nice, but i knew that something not very good had happened with Emma. After assuring me that Emma was fine and giving me a brief rundown of the days events, i made my way out of the pick up line to pick up my daughter.
I could feel tears starting to well up for my daughter...i knew that she was now not only upset, but scared and crying.
I collected myself and walked into his office, where my little daughter sat in a big chair, tears coming down her beautiful little face.
"Mommy!" she squeaked as she jumped into my arms.
I sat down in the big chair and just held her as she sobbed against my neck, her tears began to soak the collar of my shirt. Emme's little arms wrapped themselves around my neck, her little body shaking. I just held her, telling her that i had her, that i loved her and we would handle this together.
Emma cried for what seemed like a very long time in Mommy minutes.
Finally, she sat up and gave me her version of the the afternoon, through nose sniffs and scattered tears. I listened, my heart breaking and tears threatened to spill from my eyes. After she finished, the Vice Principle and i spoke a bit. We made arrangements for Emma and i to meet with Ms. W the next day during Ms. W's teacher break.
As Emma and i walked out to the car, she held my hand tightly.
"I sorry, Mommy. I so sorry, Mommy. I cwan't top whewn i gwet mad. I am bad!" she tells me.
"Emma, you are not bad! The choice you made today when you got angry was a very bad choice. I know that you are sorry, sweetie...you and i will go talk to Ms. W tomorrow and you can apologize to her." i answer back.
"Mama, Ms. W is goin' to hwate me. I lobe her. I'd be sosososo sorrrry, Mommy!" she tells me as she starts to cry again.
I buckle her up in her car seat and we head for home. I look into the rear view mirror and see that tears are still coming down her face.
I start to cry, too.
"Emme, no matter what, i love you and your dad loves you. Everyone makes bad choices sometimes. We need to learn from them and learn to make better choices. I promise that everything will be okay, sweetie." i say through my tears.
"Otay, Mommy....otay." she tells me, still crying.
We get home and i take her into my bedroom and peel her clothes off. Emma's shirt is soaked in tears. I start a warm bubble bath in my big tub where she can hopefully relax a little. She climbs into the warm tub and looks up at me and softly tells me 'dank you, Mommy....i lobe bubbles."
I leave her to soak alone for a few moments after she tells me she wants 'Emma-Time". It's our code words for her to tell me that she wants me close by, but she wants to be alone for a bit. I sit on my bed and wipe the tears from my eyes.
When she's ready, i wrap her up in a big, fluffy towel and carry her to my bed. I wrap her up in blankets and get her pjs. It's been a very long day for my Emma....a very long and emotional kind of day.
We read some of Emma's books together and cuddle on the bed. We chat about what happened. We talk about her teacher. We talk about how apologizing is important and how it should come from the heart. We talk about God and how we should pray and ask God for help with emotions. We say a prayer together and Emma asks God to please help her. I tell Emma that tomorrow, we are going to talk to Ms. W. Emma wants me to call Ms. W right then, but i tell her that Ms. W needs some time to herself and we will talk to her tomorrow.
Emma barely eats dinner....and she and i go to bed together, very early. Robert is working late and doesn't yet know of the day's events. He has his hands full right now and i think it's best to talk to him when he gets home.
Emma falls asleep quickly, cuddled up next to me with Pachi.
Tomorrow, we will talk to Ms. W....
